DEAR DIARY
Its 3:00Am, can't eat, can't sleep, and can't think straight.
The past 48hours replayin through mah mind like a bad movie.
The mission over, we returned to the mansion.
Where they say ah belong. Home they say.
Ah have to push aside the urge ah feel to run, like ah always tend to do when things get tough.
Ah can honestly say Diary; ah have never felt as rough & alone as ah do now.

Jean told me to write mah feelins down on paper if I didn feel like ah could talk about it.
Ah know they all mean well but I want them to stay outta mah business. Ah don't wanna talk about it. Ah don know how many times ah have to tell them.
They have no idea what ah'm goin through.

Ah've spent mah whole life sayin "Don't touch me!!!" for fear of hurtin someone & ah built a huge wall around mah heart, so ah wouldn't get hurt. Ah said ah'd never let nobody get to close to me, But he somehow got through.
Piece by piece, he broke through that wall & found mah heart. Just thunderin to be heard, just achin to be loved.
Ah tried to tell mahself he was wrong for me, that he was bad for me & that all ah would get was heartache.
"HE'S A PLAYBOY!!" They said
"TO HIM MONOGOMY IS A KIND OF WOOD, HE'LL NEVER BE FAITHFUL"
"HE'LL USE YOU!!"
"HE'S ONLY INTERESTED IN THE CHASE BECAUSE YOU ARE INEXCESSABLE, LITERALLY!!!"
YA WELL! You can't choose who your heart falls in love with.

That thief stole mah heart & all I want to do is hold him.
He swore he would never hurt me.
Swore he'd always be there & that it was different between us then it was with the other ones before.
Ah thought he was tellin the truth.
"COME HELL OR HIGH WATER, WE WILL BE TOGETHER CHERE!!" He said. & that nothing would keep him from me.
Mah heart was his, & gave it to him freely & with our reservation.
I found mahself lost in his eyes. Ah had to try to keep mahself from losin all control when he smiled at me.

The pain is so intense that it hurts to inhale.
The misery so endless that it pains me to exhale.
Ah can barely form words. My thoughts scattered like the wind.
In mah whole life there has only been him. Nothin else mattered.
Until him ah only thought of work & dreamed of love. To scared to take a chance on it. No thought to mah happiness. It was irrelevant.

They say it's better to have loved & lost then never to have loved at all.
WHAT DO THEY KNOW!!!
They have obviously nevah looked into the face of love & been lost in it's song. & feel like as if you could sprout wings & fly on the beautiful melody two people can achieve.
And as you reach for that beautiful star it is ripped out of the sky & TORN to shreds before your very eyes.
And you are powerless to do anything about it.

You stand there with your heart in your throat, hands sweaty & trembling, tears in your once glistening eyes. Holdin your hands out to the empty void before you.
You can't even bring the word "WHY!!!!!" to your lips.
His radiant light snuffed out WAYYYYY before his time.
"A VALIENT SACRIFICE" they say.
"A NOBEL CAUSE" they say.
TO HELL WITH THAT! AH WANT HIM BACK!!! DAMN IT BRING HIM BACK!!!

Why would he choose to leave me????

Did he not love me????????

Did ah not love him enough???????

Ah don't buy the "IT WAS HIS TIME CRAP!!!
Why didn't he fight it???????
Why did he give up & leave me in this cruel world all alone???????

When he was with me the trees glistened, the river shone in the moonlight, the stars were wonderful & there was hope in the world. Now the trees are bare & the streets are full of pain & sorrow. & everywhere is cold & relentlessly lonely.
Ah have to force mahself to get out of bed in the morning.
Ah miss him with every fiber of mah being & with every breath ah take.
Ah feel like a piece of me died that day along with him.


They tell me that time heals all wounds. Slowly but surely it will get easier as each day passes.
I DON"T believe them!!!

Part of me still keeps hopin that someday he will appear in mah doorway & take me for a ride on his Harley.
Ah know that cannot happen.

My tears soaked mah face as we layed him to rest.
Ah feel like mah heart stopped.
Ah couldn't breath!!
Part of me wanted it to stay that way & let me join him wherever he was. It has to be better than this crummy life.
But as I caught mah breath & as ah looked into the coffin. All ah could say was
"GOODBYE SUGAH!! MAY ANGELS CARRY YOU TO A SWEET BEAUTIFUL PLACE TO REST!!"
Ah kissed his cold lips & whispered to him
"AH KNOW EVENUALLY WE BE TOGETHER REMY, IN A PLACE WHERE WE CAN BE HAPPY. FOREVER!!!"
"WAIT FOR ME!!!"
Ah placed a queen of hearts in his lifeless hand & brushed the hair outta his eyes & turned to leave, it was all ah could bear.

Diary: I LOVE HIM & AH ALWAYS WILL!!!
Ah never imagined, livin without his smile.
& as a lump forms in mah throat & ah gasp for air. Ah repeat the words ah said to mahself, years ago when we first met
"REMEMBER ROGUE...
..... JUST BREATHE!!!"